Photography

Recently photographed at a gymnastics exhibition. Here are some of the photos.

Notice Me.

I am just not happy again today,
I have tiny little tears in my eyes.
If you looked closely, you'd see,
That my depression is no suprise.

I have more cuts upon my wrists,
But you just don't want to believe.
The scars of years ago are there,
Still layered up, below my sleeve.

I don't know why you are scared,
Of the truth which hurts me more.
Every day I wake up wondering,
What the day is worth fighting for.

And it isn't easy without your help,
I just wish you would be there.
Maybe I'd have no thoughts today,
And the condition; I'd not be aware.

So, this is depression and welcome,
All you have to do now, is seek.
Can you see these eyes are tired,
And my lips aren't wanting to speak.

But you'll make me talk about it,
Just because I want to talk to you.
I'd like to tell you of my secrets,
But please tell me, you will talk too.

I am a daughter hiding my depression.
I am a sister making a good impression.
I am the girl sitting next to you.
I am the one asking you to care.
Im your best friend hoping you'll be there.

Treat me gently because I break easily.

Can't quite find the words to say....

Ever have those days when you want to get away from everything?
Because the simple things break your heart and you get frustrated over every little thing, even when you know you shouldn't.
When you want more than anything is love - but to the world now days the word love insinuates being in love with someone else.
Yet your heart aches for love, an unconditional love, something felt heart to heart but has nothing to do with "being in love."
So when all the emotions sit at our doorstep, do we confide in friends? Even when that means taking the risk of bringing them down too? Or do we just keep bottling it up as we search for the words to find, to express, how we are feeling. How long will that take?
Do we just keep it in till we explode?
Perhaps the words just sit there waiting to be found, but how do we find them?
What do we do in the meantime?
Seems like the word is full of questions.....and the answers take a lot longer to find.

I find myself at a place where I need to be helped and led and then maybe I wouldn't feel so alone. But in the moment that someone else needs help I don't know what to do. I am trying to keep my head above water as it is so I am not sure how to go about helping them as well.
I am so afraid of being alone yet I isolate myself as if that is the answer. Nothing in my life seems to make sense anymore. I can't wait till I have a clear mind and feel like I can actually think again. When I can eat and not loose weight. I would like to feel not so cold and numb to the world. But I think most of all I really want to be reminded that I am loved. Its easy to forget in the midst of this.

If only you knew the whole story.

This Endless Inner Pain

No one can see
this endless inner pain,
or hear me screaming
on the inside,
wishing it would end.
And somehow
I am still me,
even though I’m not
the slightest bit like myself.
Although the nights are worse,
this endless feeling of dread
perturbs me all day, every day.
Occasionally it relents,
only to return in full force.
And whenever I think and analyse,
I fall deeper into this miry pit.
Regardless of how hard I try,
I cannot turn off my mind!
I cannot believe this is happening to me.
Help me, God!
Are You angry with me,
or do You understand,
and love me all the more?


Maybe someday I will have the chance to really share it. Maybe then you will understand.

The Shack

I started reading The Shack by Wm. Paul Young a few weeks ago and as I was going reading it I couldn't help but notice all the different messages the book has. Many of them are little but I found them speaking to my heart and I though I would share them with you.

* God keeps and eye on each and everyone one of his children whether they know him or not.
* Don't go talk to God out of obligation but talk to him because you want to.
* God wants to heal the wounds within if we let him.
* When all you see is pain you loose sight of God.
* Humans are defined by the intentions God has set for them not their limitations.
* Even when we feel lost we are not lost.
* If we dread falling we won't learn to fly.
* The days will go easier if we can just accept what they are.
* If things were always easier then He wouldn't be.
* Love always leaves a significant mark.
* God has never left us and never will.
* What we see as a mess God sees as perfection.
* In pain we assume the worst of God.
* Most emotions are responses to perception.
* If God wants you yo know your end destination he will tell you. Until then follow him as he leads you.
* We can still slip even when walking in the presence of God.
* Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. Just letting go.
* You may have to declare forgiveness multiple times daily but it will become less & less and one day you will realize you have forgiven completely.
* Tears are sometimes the best words the heart can speak.

Such a good book and many little messages throughout that are good to remember.

Photography and a few other things.

Looks like I have a couple of shoots lined up for the end of the week.
One of them being for my internship for the church and another for a friend.
The 5k Cherish Kids run should be fun to shoot :) However being there at 8am....not quite as fun. Not really sure what to expect but from what I understand there will be lots going on which translates to lots of photography opportunities.
Then this evening I got a call from a friend who is getting married on thursday. They are having a private ceremony in her back yard with just their four children. She asked if I would do some pictures of her and her soon to be husband before the wedding (so more along the engagement style) and also some of their children. :) Should be very fun.
Looks like I got my monopod just in time. Still struggling with my injured hand and I think this will make things easier. I just have to figure out if there is a piece I can add to it in order to allow me to shoot horizontally and vertically.
So if you are reading this and having any tips, suggestions, or ideas please feel free to share.


I leave you with my small treasure from my weekend. Thrifting with my grandma was a fun change.
Though the camera is an old film camera it seems to be a pretty common one. I was excited that it still had the manual and everything. My goal is to read it and learn what I can :)



On a side note I made the decision to rededicate my life to Christ today and while the struggle that is in my life isn't instantly gone there is a different peace in my heart. I don't know how things will all work out in the end- the least I can do is make sure I am in the right place with God. And I came to a point where I realized that running away from Him was not where I was suppose to be. Life becomes even scarier when why try to do it on our own. I say this not because I want attention but because its good to hold each other accountable.



Holding Us
We often see ourselves as fragile, breakable souls,
We live in fear of that which we are certain
we can't survive.
As children of God, we are only as fragile as our
unwillingness to hide our face in Him.
Our pride alone is fragile
Once it shell is broken and the heart laid bare,
We can sense the caress of God's tender care.
Until then He holds us just the same.
-Beth Moore-

My Room...

Is finished....well for the most part. Just a few minor things to finish organizing and put away.
Three walls painted creme and one wall painted purple with brown accent colors. I tried to show little parts of the room by pictures but it doesn't quite do justice to how everything looks together. Still thought I would share.



So thankful to have my bed back :) I call it my little cave.



My trophies and medals all nice and organized. I loved how they looked displayed on the wall. They are a part of me I will never forget.



A couple of my pictures from not too long ago that I finally framed and put up...looking forward to some new ones that I can incorporate into my room soon. They are going to be fabulous.



My cute little desk (its so much better than sitting on the floor) and shelves. My grandma is taking me thrifting this weekend to see if we can find a vintage type chair. :)




And my lovely purple lamp with my computer. :)

Painting the walls really added the finishing touches to my room and I am so glad its done! School starts tomorrow (I am going to be a senior) and I can actually sleep in my own bed tonight.
A little nervous for the morning and kind of concerned about my hand. Its been hurting pretty badly and its starting to swell again so I am hoping to make it through the day with out too much trouble.
So much on my little heart tonight as I get ready for bed. Its been a little rough the last several days and I am worried for my mom and her job situation. Communication is something I myself struggle with as well as our family- so when my parents actually told me what was going on I realized just how serious things were. Believing God is bigger and stronger than any of my worries though. Holding onto Him as I face some of my fears and the enemy tonight.
Now off to try and get some sleep. An early morning ahead.

What a day.

Had a doctors appointment this morning and the good news is I got my cast off and the swelling has gone down. Still a little bruised and hurting a lot so they put me in a costume splint for four more weeks. There is concern about ligament and tendon damage so they wanted to keep me immobilized still. The plus side is that its just my hand that is immobilized now and I can take the splint off to wash my hand, etc. My wrist is nice and stiff from not moving for so long but hopefully that will get better in the next few days.
I start my photography internship (as well as school) Monday so I am hoping I can figure out some way to manage my camera with out too much additional pain. I feel like it has been forever since I have taken pictures and I miss it. I can't wait to fill my head with knowledge to see how I can improve my photos :). A little nervous just because I don't know exactly what it is going to bring and it will most likely require some additional boldness on my part, but mostly excited.

So I figured I would share with you my bed for the night. My room is being repainted so I am sleeping in my sis's room tonight.

My matress conveniently fits under my sister bed :)


and looks strikingly similar to the camp bunk beds. So...I will have to remember to be careful upon sitting up in the morning.



Hoping sleep will come quickly tonight and praying for some home situations that I was informed of today. Kind of scary to know, so I am trying to just give it all to God and trust that He will have His hand upon the situation.

I should be sleeping.

Nights are the hardest.
Ever since I crawled in bed tonight my puppy has been snuggled close. Its kinda unusual for her to stay with me this long because my twin bed is a little small for the two of us and she gets pretty hot. The paint fumes aren't that bad so I opted to sleep in my own bed tonight and without even calling she joined me.
Thankful for her presence because I am still awake and hurting. There comes a point where I just end up lying in bed crying because I want more than anything for the pain to stop and to actually fall asleep. Night become so hard when I am hurting- it gives the enemy a way in and regardless of how hard I try I find myself falling to his lies.
In the dark it seems that every fear I have manages to creep into my head and I start questioning the things I shouldn't question. I find myself getting closer to the edge but once daylight comes again things seem to be okay. Its like a cycle that needs to be broken.
We all have those days. It is just hard to see the other side when we are facing them.

Eventually it will get done

We have been in the process of repainting my room for about two years now.....well we haven't been painting it that long just trying to get ready to. I am kinda a particular person so it takes a lot for me to pack up everything I have into boxes and taking everything off the wall so we can actually paint them.
I have been taking baby steps...but I could never seem to take that last big step.
So i guess it is going to happen this weekend. Not the most ideal time since it is the weekend before school starts but it needs to be done. I mean we have had the paint for quite a while now. I guess the plus side of living in an old farm house is that the rooms are small :)
I was really hoping that once we started this my grandpa would be able to come down and put a new window in my room. See, my kinda leaks which isn't good. We have a new window that was given to us sitting in our shop but since it isnt the exact same size it would take a lot of extra work to change them out. Since I was a preemie there are some health concerns that come with a leaky window and the chance of mold and mildew that it brings. Hopefully something will change and he will be able to come down for a visit soon and it wont take too much to change windows.
Hopefully I will be able to keep my cool through the end of the weekend and this weekend. Somedays I just feel so overwhelmed that I hit my breaking point and this just ads to it all.
I will be happy once its all done and everything is back to normal....my room is kinda my safe haven and it looks like it will be kind of disassembled for a few days. That and I was told I am not aloud to sleep in there because of drying paint fumes.

No Matter What

A dear friend posted this song on my facebook page one evening. I was having a really rough night so I ended up listening to the song at like 2 am. Ever since the song has stuck with me. I have had some really rough days this past week with nights being the worst and little verses of this song just seem to come to mind.
I found the message and video to be pretty powerful so I thought I would share them with you.

It has been decided.

Just thought I would let the world know that it has been decided. My sister and I are going to dance together for Fine Arts to Lead Me by Sanctus Real.....just as soon as I get this cast off and get my hand all healed up.
I am very excited because I was so moved by the song when I first heard it and I think it is the perfect message for us to dance to. Maybe it will impact some of the people in our own house.
We are still working on getting someone to help us choreograph the dance and I kinda laugh to myself when I think about it. It will definitely be a slower more controlled dance which will challenge both of us. It ought to be interesting since my sis has more of a cheer background and I have a gymnastics background.
So if you have any thoughts regarding this post or happen to know anyone that might be up for helping with choreography I would love to hear from you.
On a side note I would just like to say that I think I am having a good night. There have been many tears the last several days and tonight I actually feel like I have some energy and not so down. Still processing some thoughts from a few conversations I have had lately and realizing that I may need help but I will get through this. Things aren't always easy but in the end everything is probably going to be okay.
And on another side note I finally got a little desk for my room. It is kinda old and beat up but its little and perfect for me. No more sitting on the floor for my computer....now just to find a chair.

A little post

Not a lot to say just thought I would share one of my latest photos with you.
Once again dreaming of a vacation.

Adventures

Today's day started off with the adventures of new times at JRA. In the end I think all turned out fine but it was a little crazy with so many people and then I had to head off to a creative services meeting for photography.
Project Partnership is the Saturday and I am planning on trying to photograph the event even though it isn't very ideal to do so with a cast on. I don't have a photography badge yet (they are trying to make me one this week) and they were out of "photographers" badges so they gave me a press badge and told me not to worry if one of the pastors came up to me and started talking to me. Oh dear, I hope I can get my own photography badge this week. I am definitely not cut out for press.

Then after church my sister and I had to stop by Walmart to pick up a few things for our parents and we were very fascinated by all the flowers. I had a little bit of babysitting money so I splurged and bought a five dollar bouquet to use as a prop since we were planning on tacking some pictures.

It was HOT HOT HOT! outside. But we did get a couple of fun shots. So get ready for image overload. (If you click on the picture you can see it bigger)



































































My pictures aren't always perfect, but I am learning and that was our little adventure....however I dont highly recomend photographing with a fractured hand. Very sore after ever with a cast supporting.

John 10:10

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

Learning that in those moments of hardships it is the enemy trying to knock you down when really we should be holding onto the promises of God not our problems.
This is easier said than done and the enemy knows just how to break us. But God will uphold us in those moments even when we don't realize it. This is not to say that whatever we are going to through will automatically be fixed. It just helps us to change our perspective on how to look at things and set our mind free from the lies of the enemy.

Closer to Love

One of those days where just about everything nearly brings me to tears and it breaks my heart to see friends hurting as well. I just don't understand how we can feel so alone even as we stand in a crowded room and I stand there crying for God to show me love to help me understand. Sometimes life gets hard and we just can't do it on our own. The enemy definitley gets to us when we struggle in the midst of pain and fear.

Fuzzy little creatures

My love for owls seems to have taken off in the last several months and when I stumbled upon this photo I couldn't help but to think how cool it would be to have a pet owl and raise it from a baby. Unfortunately it is illegal to do so without a permit....so I dont think I will be getting a baby owl anytime soon.
I <3 these little creatures and absolutely love this photo.

Actions say what words never can.

So very tired today but resisting the urge to take a nap in hope that I will sleep through the night. Day dreaming of a nice cool, dark room with a perfect little bed. A place where I feel safe and secure so I could lay down and wake up feeling refreshed and happy and loved. What we dream in our heads is often not reality. So why is it we dream so much?

I should be working on my math homework but since I have absolutely no idea how to do this chapter I find myself thinking. Thinking about things that have nothing to do with math. Just thinking.
If actions say what words never can....what do my actions say?
What do your actions say?
Definitely something to ponder.

Blink

"When it's all said and done no one remembers how far we have run. The only thing that matters is how we have loved." -Blink by Revive-
Remember that it isn't always about where you are running to, but what matters most in that moment is the people you love and the hearts you touch.

The little things

I have definitely been in a little bit of a struggle lately as I have been dealing with some things as home and pain from a hand injury. I have found that its hard to be optimistic when it seems impossible to over come directly what is in front of you. I think little by little the Lord is showing me happiness in the little things.
I had a very bold conversation today with another student in my class about life goals. Most of the students are adults so it was kinda different to have the conversation but I know that it was God using me. Who knew. I am not usually one to talk much so I walked away amazed at the power of God. Its cool how both parties are often affected when God shows up. :)
I also had a little visit to a dear friend last night who I have missed. She always seems to remind me of the simple power of touch and what it means to love in all moments. She is very special to my heart so it was good to see her. Upon arriving home I found myself just having a moment as I sat in the kitchen floor and let my puppy lick peanut butter off my finger. I was hurting so much from the pain that I wanted to cry but I couldn't help but smile at the moment.
Overcoming challenges becomes harder when the enemy know how to get you down. It becomes easier to run from Jesus when really we need him more than anything in those moments.
I have found myself dreaming about a lot of things on my heart lately and I seem to be constantly reminded that one day my impossible will come true by the hands of God. Believing this is from God and I just have to hold onto that for now.
And along the way it really is the little things that keep us going.
Eager to be able to hold my camera again. Ready for some lovely new photos :)

Travel Talk

Lately there seems to be lots of talk about travel. Okay well maybe I have had travel on the mind.
I sat with two lovely ladies after church this morning and we talked about travel and places that would be fun to visit. :)
Then on the car ride home my sister and I got to talking about traveling and she mentioned a program she had heard about that she wanted to try. I don't know a lot of information about the program but it is through "People to People" which is an ambassadors program. They host trips to all over the world during the summer and provide students with the chance to grow in leadership and learn about different cultures.
She really had me interested and I could help but think of how fun it would be to do something like this together. Her dream trip would be to Australia and the New Zealand area. I think part of me of me is really excited about traveling for the photography opportunities but many of the trips are also featured around community service projects.
Oh goodness, I think I have gone off an a whim. We have never really ever gone on a family vacation and I think that is why I so desperately want to travel. I guess we will see. I believe that one day my impossible will come true. :) There are so many factors that often say 'no' to something but if it is right and meant to be then it will happen.
The funniest part of it all is I am one of those people who needs organization and routine in my life to function so the lord must be growing something in me to even consider travel...and it has been on the heart a lot lately.
Still dreaming of the beach and wishing I could take a mini vacation there with some friends.

All the things I am

I am saved because Jesus loved me enough to die for my sins. I am a dreamer because I keep on dreaming even when reality says it wont happen. I am a believer because I know one day my impossible will come true. I am a child of God. I am a daughter to parents who will one day come to know Christ because of my willingness to stand. I am a sister to a sibling who is waiting to be guided. I am a dancer in those moments when no one is watching and I set my heart free. I am small and perfect just the way I am. I am quiet because I hold onto my words in those moments when I want to talk. I am shy because I am waiting for someone else to act first. I am smart because I put forth the effort to learn. I am a gymnast because I love that feeling of flying through the air. I am perceptive and I often take in even the smallest moments around me. I am an artist because I like creativity. I am a photographer and i love the possibility of showing the world the view from my eyes. I am introverted and not ashamed to admit it. I am observant and it is often the smallest of things that touch my heart. I am a planner. I am self-disciplined and I work hard for the things I want to achieve. I am a thinker. I am a friend. I am fragile but gently held together by the hands of God. I am lovable just the way I am.

Just dreaming

Today I had a lovely little meeting with the fabulous Heather about senior pictures. I am very excited from all the great ideas she mentioned. :)
I must still be on one of those day dreaming kicks because I came home thinking about photography....then I found myself thinking about the beach. I have never been but I would absolutely love to go. I can't help but to dream of what it would be like to take a trip to the beach with some friends for my senior trip. (If I have one....I dream about going to France and the beach quite often) Hmm...I wonder what it would take to get a small group of friends down to a beach for a few days of fun.
Yes- I am a dreamer. A quite little dreamer and I believe that one day my impossible will come true by the hands of God.
Looking forward to when I can hold my camera again. A little photography is always good for the soul. :)

God is Able

A new song that I heard at church. I just kept repeating the words of this song over and over to myself today as I had and MRI and blood work for my hand. Went back to the doctor yesterday as the swelling continued to spread to my fingers. There is concern I may have injured one of the bones in my hand and an infection got in. Thankful for these simple words of encouragement through the process and for a tech with a steady and gentle hand. In the midst of pain the Lord is teaching me to appreciate even the smallest of things.

Would You Rather...

Just for fun!

♥Have an amazing shoe collection or an amazing makeup collection? Shoes,definately

♥Be able to sing or be able to dance? Dance!! I dont particularly like to talk so I am not sure how well singing would go over, besides I love to dance and I would love to learn more. :)

♥Be stranded on a Desert Island or in the Desert? Desert Island but preferably not alone.

♥ Have a Computer or a TV? Computer

♥Wear spots or stripes for the rest of your life? stripes...I have grown to love them.

♥Drink out of a Teacup or a Mug? Teacups.

♥Receive a bunch of Flowers or a box of chocolates? I do like chocolate but flowers are so lovely. I think I would be touched if I received either.

♥Wear Converse or Stilettos? high heels I suppose.

♥Meet Johnny Depp or Robert Pattinson? Robert Pattinson

♥Be a Fairy or a Mermaid? A fairy! I have always loved them.

♥A Coffee or a Cup of Tea? hmmmm. A cup of green tea :) but coffee is good too.

♥Pink nails or Blue nails? Pink.....but if I mix the two would I get purple?

♥Live somewhere sunny or somewhere cold? Sunny. Being little makes it harder to stay warm in the cold. (I sleep with a heating blanket even in the summer because I don't do well with the cold)

♥Have an amazing house or an amazing car?
Amazing house.....perhaps one where I can share the love of Christ with children from different backgrounds (I hope to adopt one day)

♥Be kind or funny?
kind. Kindness is something that touches hearts of many.

♥Eat Sweets or Cake?
Sweets. :)

♥Hold a Tarantula or a Snake?
Neither....I would probably run screaming in the opposite direction.

♥Wear a neclace or a ring?
I have become very fond of rings lately.

♥Laugh or Smile?
smile

♥Wear Pearls or Beads?
I dont know if I would ever find myself wearing them but pearls because they have sort of a vintage touch to them.

♥Have lots of money or lots of friends?
Friends. They are what keep you going through the hard times and there for you in the good.

♥Love or be loved? Both. Love is what makes the world go round and we become loved when we love others.

Feel free to play along! :)

Dragonfly

While at camp I really felt that God was speaking to me about what He wanted me to do with my life. While sometimes I question whether or not I am good enough....it is moments like this that I know He is leading me on the right track.
Photography makes my heart smile! :) So in love with this photo!

Lead Me.

Some days there are times that we are so moved by the moments around us the we just stop in awe. Upon hearing the words of this song for the first time I simply sat there trying not to cry. The words of this song just seemed to touch something completely unexplainable within me. Sometimes we truly do need others to stand for us when we can't and in the end it builds us up so that one day we can stand for someone else.

Love each day.

"What is it to be a child? It is very different from the man of today. It is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief; it is to be so little that the elves can reach to whisper into your ear; it is to turn pumpkins into coaches, and mice into horses, lowness into loftiness, and nothing into everything, for each child has their own fairy godmother in their soul."

It always seems to amaze me how innocent and happy children seem to be. So after re-finding this quote from on old journal entry I got to thinking- because we are all God's children we should hold onto him and be pleased with him just as a child is with the magic of fairy godmothers. God himself may not change pumpkins into coaches before our very eyes but He is certainly capable of things so much more powerful and meaningful. If a child can believe in all the things of childhood why can't people just believe in our merciful and all powerful God.
I was thinking about the innocence of childhood and what it would look like to have innocence for God. The definition of innocence says "purity: the state of being unsullied (spotlessly clean and fresh) by sin or moral wrong; lacking a knowledge of evil" To think that having innocence for God just might be opening our eyes and hearts to the loveliness of everything He has created in this world. Perhaps it is just to see the beauty and enjoy the moments as they are given.

Ever since returning from camp I have seen such spiritual growth in all the lovely ladies I am bless to know. There is just a happiness and reminder to love each day and we all continue to walk, grow, and be apart of blessings God provides. It seems that every time I am not sure what to make of something God comes through with a blessing bigger and better than I could have imagined. So thankful for that.

I am leaving you with a photo of a little friend I found the other day. I greatly enjoyed his presence and the dreamy quality of the some of the images. :)
If you have any thoughts please feel free to comment as I would love to hear your wisdom and thoughts on things.

Camp

Wow. Camp was simply amazing. There may not be words to describe just how amazing it was.
Before leaving I was kind of a nervous wreck and I was amazed to see all the encouragement from those around me. (i was walking through walmart the day before leaving andI have never had so many people say "Hi'' to me or smile at)
Chaos is just not my thing and while that is exactly what most of the camp was it was also a huge growing experience and a major encounter with God.
I was blessed to share this experience with some friends as we grew and bonded over the weekend. I wish I could recall each and every moment because I don't think I have ever laughed, talked, yelled, or cheered so much in my life.
The services were amazing and there was such a power in praying with and for each other. Every time we joined hands to pray I felt so connected. I found myself praying with and for different people throughout the weekend which was definitely a stretch of my faith but it also really changed my heart.
Monty Hipp did a great job of bringing God's word and I know there were many testimonies from the weekend. I was really praying God would speak to me on forgiveness and I was blown by how He did just that many times over the weekend. I think a lot of people were really challenged to stand up and be the example in their home situations as well as not becoming complacent with where they were at in their walk with God.
I am not really a competitive person so I wasn't extremely into the games but I did find myself yelling and cheering on my team mates. I think I surprised myself and little and the other people on my team. Pink team did come in last place but the experience was totally worth it.
God has really shown me love and happiness these last few days and coming home my heart is still experiencing that. There are some things I am working on changing because I want to move forward in my walk with Him and I don't want to let my hinderances hold me back.
I don't know what adrenaline and energy source I was running on at camp but when I got home yesterday I crashed. I think I fell asleep around 5:30 and when my parents woke me up an hour later for dinner I remember laying in bed and my head just felt empty....I couldn't remember where I was or what I was doing. I managed to eat about half my dinner before crawling back in bed and sleeping till 8am. One would think that 14 hours of sleep would be enough to refuel but I have already had a 2 hour nap today as well. Just trying to make it through.
This is all to say that no one in life is perfect but when we choose to live through Jesus we can live a happy and worth while life. :)
Thanks to all the people who made this camp so memorable!
Special thanks to Hona and Heather for stepping up to the plate and leading the team. You guys are changing lives by the wisdom and love you are willing to share at each and every moment.

Craziness

Trying to avoid melt downs as everything here seems to be chaos.
I am excited about leaving for camp tomorrow because I know that God is going to show up in big ways but I also really struggle when I dont have routine and order to fall back on. Definitely a big stretch of comfort and patience for what I can not control.
My sis is also leaving tomorrow to go up to the lake with my grandparents for three weeks and I am not entirely sure how I feel about that.
Mom and dad have been working so essentially I have been getting myself ready and running my sis around since my parents can't.
So between school, home, work and just the craziness of it all I have had my share of many tears the last few evenings. I just keep hitting the breaking point.
I miss those days when I was little and could just snuggle in my parents arms without any worry. Why doesn't that happen any more?
Counting on the Lord and friends for strength and peace in my heart.
With senior year coming the constant question is what am I going to do with my life....and I am just not sure.
This is where I let go of fear and hold onto love and through it all I seem to realize more and more the importance of love and touch. Somedays the most powerful thing is to simply be held close by a friend. It always seems to speak more than words.
I did get a little bit of a surprise today when I opened the mailbox and found a letter from Sam. Its good to know I am not forgotten :) He returns in September before leaving for Afghanistan- believing that God will keep him safe and use him in big ways there.
I seem to be learning a lot through the many trials, tears, and precious lives jesus is sharing with me. I know that sometimes my rambling doesnt make any sense, but its nice just to write it out sometimes.
Not many new pictures lately even though I have been really wanting to go out a take some. So I will leave you with this shot for now. The little shaggy pony just looks like a soft, loving friend- and those are always a good thing to have.

Senior Pictures dream shoot.

Stumbled upon these while searching for ideas for senior pictures and fell in love. <3 I definitely want to incorporate gymnastics into my pictures since it has been such a big part of my life. I am not entirely sure how I want to do that so thinking about it seems to be on my mind a lot lately as it is an intriguing thought.
So something along these lines...whatever type of photography you would call it....is what I want.
I love the vintage type colors :)

Love

Communication is necessary to let others know what your needs are. People don't automatically know what we are needing in that moment. Finding myself at that place of struggle a lot lately so know this- in my quietness I need love and affection just as much as everyone else and things aren't always what they seem.

Sunday- the start of a new week.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that Sunday is the start of a new week and some things just have to be left behind.

So much going on lately and little bit of a rough week at home with a few things that came up.

Learning that sometimes it is okay to find yourself in the midst of struggle and at the mercy of God's feet.

Then I had one of those breath taking moments at church this morning as Heather sang "What a savior" by Laura Story. The song was powerful and just seemed to move me from within. Its crazy how such simple words can a make difference to your day. I have been repeating the chorus of the song in my head ever since and I can't help but thank Jesus for those encouraging words.

I have so much going on I actually broke down and made a list of all that I had to do. I am finding it quite helpful!

After having art walk this past friday and seeing the interest people had in my work I actually decided to add "session" information to my website. I felt very accomplished to actually decide on pricing and get my website updated. :)

I start a summer school class at OTC tomorrow and will be taking College Algebra four days a week for the next two months. A little excited but mostly nervous. I think once I actually figure out where the classroom is I will feel a lot better. On the bright side I have a teacher's version text book which might be helpful if I need to work backwards from the provided answer.

Really just trying to take a moment to breathe today and remind myself that all will work out in the end. Thankful for some pretty amazing friends who are constantly sharing their love and making my heart a little lighter.

Learning to grow even when I dont understand.

Big thanks to Heather Cherie Photography for the pictures of my art walk display. :)

Finding the right words to say.

For those days when you want to say something but nothing seems to be enough. Finding peace in the midst of Jesus, silence, and many tears.

A lovely landscape created by none other than our gracious God.

Dreaming

At this moment I am contemplating what it might look like if I decided to train again and compete floor for my senior year. It would be so cool to be back and the gym and just have fun competing floor. Truly let my inner light shine and show the world what is within.

I think the task of competing floor alone would be feasible with hard work and it would definitley be a joy to my heart to be on the floor again-dancing, tumbling, smiling. just being me.

When I really stop to think about it though I know it is unlikely it will happen. I am not sure how I ever managed before spending so many hours training and there is no way financially now we would be able to go back to it.

I think returning to the sport would definitely teach me to overcome some of my fears and I think good body awareness would let me get my skills back quickly. There is no doubt in my mind that this is possible. I can still feel what it feels like to tumble even when Im not tumbling, gymnastics is a feeling and I can still feel it inside of me.

Going back would be a dream come true but I guess it is a dream that I will just keep dreaming.

This is a photo taken of me when I first started competing...

God works in mysterious ways

We never really know the extent to which we impact other people's lives. It was just this morning that I was thinking how true that is and thinking back over the last couple of days many moments seem to show just that.

This morning was no exception and I wanted to share the testimony with you.

While visiting my grandparents this morning my grandpa handed me a $5 bill and began to share the story behind it.

He knows a lady who is very poor, has many health conditions and lives in a very run down house. A member from James River Church recently went to her house to help her clean up and fix things up. The lady is not a believer but she later gave my grandpa that same $5 bill and told him that she had been carrying it around in her pocket for several weeks and wanted to give it as payment for the help she had received even though she knew payment was not required. She was very persistent that my grandpa take the money even though it was all she had.

My grandpa tells me all this with tears in his eyes and I can't help but think of the impact that she is going to have on the world, whether she knows it or not.

I can't tell you why she gave my grandpa that $5 bill but I do know that God works in mysterious ways.

Furthering God's kingdom may not always work out how we plan it to but people around the world will be touched by the gift from this woman because it is going to the Speed the Light offering at church.

I can't say that I would be able to share this testimony with you today had the man from the very church I go to not helped this lady out. It really goes to show that we never know the extent to which we impact the lives around us.

She may not even be expecting to reach the lives of people across the world but because she was touched by someone else she is doing just that.

I think this also goes to show that its okay to not know all the details. Had the man who went to help her been told by God that he would be helping missionaries across the world he probably would have been confused and given up because it didn't seem logical that by helping this woman that he would be helping missions. God truly does see the bigger picture and He knew that the effects of caring and helping would go far beyond just one person.

Learning

Ever find yourself in that place where you have a lot to say but you just aren't sure how to say it?

I find myself there a lot and being shy doesn't seem to help the situation. I can say that I have grown a lot the past few month as I am being shaped by Jesus and through friends and family He is teaching me what it means to change that.

I find myself simply observing and taking everything in during most situations and through that I have learned that every one has their own thoughts, pieces of advice, and wisdom to offer. All of it being equally important because a few simple words can often spark something in your own heart or even change it; and if nothing else what is being spoken is meant to be heard.

I know I have been given the blessing of patience and a listening ear for a reason. One of these days God is going to allow me to invest in others and share all that I am storing up. Such a cool thought when I take the time to think about it :)

I am growing, changing, and learning to stand on my own and I am blessed to have Jesus and some amazing friends on my side.

*Out of habit I have been uploading a new picture taken by me with each post. I really wasn't sure what picture I was going to upload but when I came to this one I figured I could tie it in somehow. My thought being- though in constant motion its okay to take the time to see beauty in things that we may not normally see beauty in. Look at something with an open heart and new perspective and most of all take chances. Now explanation on the picture- it was taken while standing on the moving train that goes to the different concourses through the Denver airport. I couldn't find how fast the train goes but the speed advance very quickly and it was a challenge to stay standing and capture the shot. I wasn't expecting much but just taking the chance to capture something different turned out to be something worth keeping. :)

Wedding and Vacation Fun :)

My sister and I were blessed to have the opportunity to be bridesmaids in our aunt's wedding. Though there were a few rough spots along the way this weekend has probably been the closest thing to a vacation that our family has done.

Here is a rough overview of our trip. :)

• Our journey started at around 11pm thursday night. We packed up the car and headed out to KC so we could catch our 4am flight to Denver. We got to the north side is Springfield and had to turn around and go back to Nixa because my mom's truck was still having problems (it had been in the shop 4 times that week). So we got home and reloaded everything into my little Geo. We left Nixa...again...at around midnight.
• We landed in Denver around 7am and went to breakfast with the rest of the family before our 2 hour ride up the mountain to Vail. Memories were definitely made during breakfast because my family was exhausted and slightly delirious from getting such little sleep. A new name was made for the bride and groom (Shane and Jamie are now Shamie and Jane) and it has stuck ever since.
• The Condos in Vail were like castles. I have never seen or experienced anything close to them before. There were at least 9 rooms all with 2 or more beds and the upstairs have 5+ beds in each room. On the second night we had the entire 3 floor rented out. The view of the mountains was amazing!
• Preparing for the wedding was slightly chaotic but in the end the wedding was beautiful. My sister and I were escorted by the tallest groomsman which made for a funny moment that will be remembered.
• I had a little bit of a rough time being at 8000 feet since I was sick before I left for the trip and the air is so dry and thin up there. Started on my second round of antibiotics and hoping they will do the trick. Since I wasn't feeling well I didn't get any pictures the first night and I was a little disappointed with the quality of some of the pictures I took- I think there is a little lesson within it all though because I was reminded that I have to look at all situations and pictures with an open mind and open eyes. Sometimes I have to remind myself to step back and not be so hard on myself.
• I got the chance to visit a little with the wedding photographers there and since they were shooting with canon also I was able to help them out. They filled up ten 4gig cards while shooting raw but they forgot their cable reader. Luckily I had mine so they were able to dump the card to their laptop and continue shooting. They also had a photo booth type set up and they were asking for someone who could "jump" so just for fun I did a ring leap and they captured it perfectly (not many I have come in contact with can capture that) so I am super excited to see their pictures. It was really fun doing pictures with them as part of the bridal party.
• Our plane ride home was definitely a stretch of my comfort zone since it was so chaotic. One of those moments where I had to remind myself to breathe. There were so many people at the Denver airport and many of the flights were messed up because of high winds. Our flight had a gate change and we had to wait on another plane to come in before we could leave. It was a very bumpy ride but we got to KC around 1am and we were home around 5am.

Thankful to be home and for all the beautiful memories. Can't wait to see all my lovely friends :)

Above is a picture I took of my mom and sister getting ready and below is a picture my mom got during the wedding of my sister and I.

The Sweet Soul of a Child

Children seem to remind me of the simplicity and love that is important in life. Their innocence makes for some very sweet moments.

Today I had the privilege of photographing the 2 year old twins I watch. We had a great time racing around the yard, exploring, playing with scarves, and taking pictures.

My heart smiles every time I hear 'ee-ah' because I know they are calling out to me. It amazes me how much they comprehend and understand. They tell me "good bye" and "safe home" when I leave them and I am usually greeted by hugs and kisses.

I absolutely love being around these two precious souls and I love how unique they both are.

These pictures are just two of the many from our fun afternoon.

The rest of the pictures can be found on facebook under Allecait Photography.

God Be Praised

I find myself writing out of excitement and energy. This is the first night in a while that I have actually felt well. Sunday afternoon naps are the best. :)

So much has gone on in the last few weeks and there is so much more to come.

My family flies out at 4am friday morning for my aunts wedding and starting the packing process today made me realize how excited I am for the trip. Then I also realized how nervous I am about flying. Hopefully all will go smoothly will the flight as I am sure God will have his hand on everything.

It has been kind of crazy this past week trying to get ready for our trip and then finding out that I perforated my other eardrum which means both of my ears are now perforated. We are planning on getting a second opinion once we get back from our trip and hopefully they will provide some insight as to any other option besides surgery. For now it is antibiotics to hopefully get rid of the infection. It felt nice to actually have a little bit of my energy back tonight.

It was a lovely afternoon visiting a friend at his graduation party and then spending some time chatting with a new friend that God has placed in my life. I went home smiling after talking with her.

Not to mention I think I am actually truly liking someone for the first time...perhaps that has something to do with making my heart feel the way it does. Its so crazy to be in the position I am now; a lot of heart searching has made me realize some things and by realizing that I can be loved I actually find myself in a place where I am okay with liking someone else. :)

I have seen so many opened doors of opportunity for photography and I am amazed at God's blessing. So happy that He works even in the smallest of details.

Thanks to God and his provisions I find myself in a genuinely happy place. I am learning I can stand on my own and that God will provide strength and blessing at just the perfect times.

He has surrounded me with people who love me and are very dear to my heart.

So much more that I don't even know how to put into words. Perhaps eventually all that tumbles around in my head will find a way to make sense and then I will share it with you.

Christians Can Have Fun Too

Whoever says that christians don't have fun is definitely wrong.

This evening Echo life group went to the Springfield Victory Mission to help out. Not only did we have a great time but it is such an amazing feeling to know that God is working within those very people we were connecting with.

I think that by merely going in with smiles on our faces and just a happy attitude for Jesus really brightened the place up and allowed the people there to see Jesus through us.

Though not every verbally expressed their thanks I think most were moved on the inside by the simple act of caring.

It was so fun to serve them dinner and spend time with friends; our lives were touched in the process as well.

Not to mention the many laughs on the car ride there and back home. I guess that is just what happens when you squish four girls in the back seat of a mini van because you are carrying 8 passengers in a 7 passenger van.

God is so good and it has been one amazing evening.

I am also very excited to say that I have been asked to show again for art walk next month! Wow. Such a blessing from God.

Here is one of my latest photos. Beauty frozen in time. So perfect and lovely!

So This Is What It Feels Like To Live Life

The last couple weeks of my life have carefully guided by Jesus. I have witnessed Him moving in my life in so many different ways that it just leaves me in awe. That isn't to say that there aren't down moments....they just seem to be easier to get through with Jesus on my side.

Discipleship through the church has definitely made me stronger and I have witnessed how God can use somebody small like me to do big things.

Echo life group is going strong and God has allowed me to connect with some of the students there. I am finding that I have a lot in common with a new friend and I am so thankful that she has come into my life. God has big plans for her and I think he is allowing me to invest in her. It's really cool how by investing in others you also invest in yourself. (I was also given the opportunity to take senior pictures for one the students of my life group and they turned out great!)

Art Walk this past weekend went great. It was such a blessing from God to get the opportunity to show some of my photography and I was even asked to show again next month. So cool! Throughout the night I heard positive comments and everyone seemed to really enjoy the photos. I love that God is allowing me to show the beauty of the world through my eyes.

A new website is up and running @ www.allecait.com. Some of my work can be found there and as more kinks are worked out more photos will go up.

I am also really excited to have the privilege to be a bridesmaid in my aunts wedding in a couple of weeks. Of course the camera is going with me and I can't wait to see what shots I can get. :)

So many other little moments in my life that are definitely Jesus moments. Even the little things seem to matter so much more as I know they are little gifts from God.

One of those moments being at our life group cook out when one of my leaders sat down next to me and we sat together sharing a quilt. She is an amazing woman of God and I am thankful for her influence on my life.I was especially touched by this small act that might go unnoticed by most but since things like that don't normally happen it is something I will remember.

Everyone needs those extra little moments that shows them they are love and it just goes to show that sometimes it is the little things that touch the hearts of those around you the most. :)

A Heart Touched by God

Lately my heart has been touched by the little blessings around me. God is definitely moving in my heart and as I surrender it to Him I see him show up more and more. I look around and I see God's hand moving in everything I do. :) It is such a cool thing to witness and even though I find it hard to put into words it always seems to make my heart smile.

This week has been a week of boldness, courage, and sweet moments that I will hold onto forever.

I know that God is big especially after I saw how He used me this week and changed lives of those who were broken.

I was also very touched by some of the friends God has placed in my life and their sweet actions. :)

The photo above was themed around the thought of sitting down and taking the time to talk to God. When my sister said that she was talking to coach I felt my heart catch. She lost a a mentor, a coach and most of all a friend this year and my heart was touched by the innocence of her thoughts.

My sister and I shared a moment of remembrance today for a friend, knowing that she has gone to be with Jesus and that was all part of his plan.