A little over a year ago....

Its been a little over a year since my last post. And my life has changed drastically. I am no longer the person I used to be. It has been a whirlwind of things the last several months....especially living in St. Louis for the last six months with Mercy Ministries. It was there that I found God and found the life I could be living rather than the life I was struggling to live.

I have been home a whole 4 days and I am already amazed at the revelations God has given me. I have been reading a book called Kisses from Katie....and after reading the introduction and the first chapter I sat there nearly crying. I know that God is calling me to the missions field. He has entrusted me with the gift of photography and He is going to use me to change lives. Such a powerful thought.

Wanted the share this poem I wrote while at Mercy. It was on the day that I made the decision to choose life and break all bondage with death. I struggled with this but once i finally came to terms with it this is what I wrote.

Today is a new day
and a decision was made
now past hurts and transgressions
will slowly begin to fade

I stopped running from God
and just surrendered to Him
the burdens I could no longer carry
and the addiction to sin

Walking in Obedience
I can finally see
the girl I thought I once was
that girl is no longer me.

So I have yet to figure out how to put into words all that has occurred in the last year but I think slowly that all of it will be put into words.
In the works is some pretty amazing stuff that only God can orchestrate....I am excited to see how it all pans out.

Photography

Recently photographed at a gymnastics exhibition. Here are some of the photos.

Notice Me.

I am just not happy again today,
I have tiny little tears in my eyes.
If you looked closely, you'd see,
That my depression is no suprise.

I have more cuts upon my wrists,
But you just don't want to believe.
The scars of years ago are there,
Still layered up, below my sleeve.

I don't know why you are scared,
Of the truth which hurts me more.
Every day I wake up wondering,
What the day is worth fighting for.

And it isn't easy without your help,
I just wish you would be there.
Maybe I'd have no thoughts today,
And the condition; I'd not be aware.

So, this is depression and welcome,
All you have to do now, is seek.
Can you see these eyes are tired,
And my lips aren't wanting to speak.

But you'll make me talk about it,
Just because I want to talk to you.
I'd like to tell you of my secrets,
But please tell me, you will talk too.

I am a daughter hiding my depression.
I am a sister making a good impression.
I am the girl sitting next to you.
I am the one asking you to care.
Im your best friend hoping you'll be there.

Treat me gently because I break easily.

Can't quite find the words to say....

Ever have those days when you want to get away from everything?
Because the simple things break your heart and you get frustrated over every little thing, even when you know you shouldn't.
When you want more than anything is love - but to the world now days the word love insinuates being in love with someone else.
Yet your heart aches for love, an unconditional love, something felt heart to heart but has nothing to do with "being in love."
So when all the emotions sit at our doorstep, do we confide in friends? Even when that means taking the risk of bringing them down too? Or do we just keep bottling it up as we search for the words to find, to express, how we are feeling. How long will that take?
Do we just keep it in till we explode?
Perhaps the words just sit there waiting to be found, but how do we find them?
What do we do in the meantime?
Seems like the word is full of questions.....and the answers take a lot longer to find.

I find myself at a place where I need to be helped and led and then maybe I wouldn't feel so alone. But in the moment that someone else needs help I don't know what to do. I am trying to keep my head above water as it is so I am not sure how to go about helping them as well.
I am so afraid of being alone yet I isolate myself as if that is the answer. Nothing in my life seems to make sense anymore. I can't wait till I have a clear mind and feel like I can actually think again. When I can eat and not loose weight. I would like to feel not so cold and numb to the world. But I think most of all I really want to be reminded that I am loved. Its easy to forget in the midst of this.

If only you knew the whole story.

This Endless Inner Pain

No one can see
this endless inner pain,
or hear me screaming
on the inside,
wishing it would end.
And somehow
I am still me,
even though I’m not
the slightest bit like myself.
Although the nights are worse,
this endless feeling of dread
perturbs me all day, every day.
Occasionally it relents,
only to return in full force.
And whenever I think and analyse,
I fall deeper into this miry pit.
Regardless of how hard I try,
I cannot turn off my mind!
I cannot believe this is happening to me.
Help me, God!
Are You angry with me,
or do You understand,
and love me all the more?


Maybe someday I will have the chance to really share it. Maybe then you will understand.

The Shack

I started reading The Shack by Wm. Paul Young a few weeks ago and as I was going reading it I couldn't help but notice all the different messages the book has. Many of them are little but I found them speaking to my heart and I though I would share them with you.

* God keeps and eye on each and everyone one of his children whether they know him or not.
* Don't go talk to God out of obligation but talk to him because you want to.
* God wants to heal the wounds within if we let him.
* When all you see is pain you loose sight of God.
* Humans are defined by the intentions God has set for them not their limitations.
* Even when we feel lost we are not lost.
* If we dread falling we won't learn to fly.
* The days will go easier if we can just accept what they are.
* If things were always easier then He wouldn't be.
* Love always leaves a significant mark.
* God has never left us and never will.
* What we see as a mess God sees as perfection.
* In pain we assume the worst of God.
* Most emotions are responses to perception.
* If God wants you yo know your end destination he will tell you. Until then follow him as he leads you.
* We can still slip even when walking in the presence of God.
* Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. Just letting go.
* You may have to declare forgiveness multiple times daily but it will become less & less and one day you will realize you have forgiven completely.
* Tears are sometimes the best words the heart can speak.

Such a good book and many little messages throughout that are good to remember.