Photography

Recently photographed at a gymnastics exhibition. Here are some of the photos.

Notice Me.

I am just not happy again today,
I have tiny little tears in my eyes.
If you looked closely, you'd see,
That my depression is no suprise.

I have more cuts upon my wrists,
But you just don't want to believe.
The scars of years ago are there,
Still layered up, below my sleeve.

I don't know why you are scared,
Of the truth which hurts me more.
Every day I wake up wondering,
What the day is worth fighting for.

And it isn't easy without your help,
I just wish you would be there.
Maybe I'd have no thoughts today,
And the condition; I'd not be aware.

So, this is depression and welcome,
All you have to do now, is seek.
Can you see these eyes are tired,
And my lips aren't wanting to speak.

But you'll make me talk about it,
Just because I want to talk to you.
I'd like to tell you of my secrets,
But please tell me, you will talk too.

I am a daughter hiding my depression.
I am a sister making a good impression.
I am the girl sitting next to you.
I am the one asking you to care.
Im your best friend hoping you'll be there.

Treat me gently because I break easily.

Can't quite find the words to say....

Ever have those days when you want to get away from everything?
Because the simple things break your heart and you get frustrated over every little thing, even when you know you shouldn't.
When you want more than anything is love - but to the world now days the word love insinuates being in love with someone else.
Yet your heart aches for love, an unconditional love, something felt heart to heart but has nothing to do with "being in love."
So when all the emotions sit at our doorstep, do we confide in friends? Even when that means taking the risk of bringing them down too? Or do we just keep bottling it up as we search for the words to find, to express, how we are feeling. How long will that take?
Do we just keep it in till we explode?
Perhaps the words just sit there waiting to be found, but how do we find them?
What do we do in the meantime?
Seems like the word is full of questions.....and the answers take a lot longer to find.

I find myself at a place where I need to be helped and led and then maybe I wouldn't feel so alone. But in the moment that someone else needs help I don't know what to do. I am trying to keep my head above water as it is so I am not sure how to go about helping them as well.
I am so afraid of being alone yet I isolate myself as if that is the answer. Nothing in my life seems to make sense anymore. I can't wait till I have a clear mind and feel like I can actually think again. When I can eat and not loose weight. I would like to feel not so cold and numb to the world. But I think most of all I really want to be reminded that I am loved. Its easy to forget in the midst of this.

If only you knew the whole story.

This Endless Inner Pain

No one can see
this endless inner pain,
or hear me screaming
on the inside,
wishing it would end.
And somehow
I am still me,
even though I’m not
the slightest bit like myself.
Although the nights are worse,
this endless feeling of dread
perturbs me all day, every day.
Occasionally it relents,
only to return in full force.
And whenever I think and analyse,
I fall deeper into this miry pit.
Regardless of how hard I try,
I cannot turn off my mind!
I cannot believe this is happening to me.
Help me, God!
Are You angry with me,
or do You understand,
and love me all the more?


Maybe someday I will have the chance to really share it. Maybe then you will understand.

The Shack

I started reading The Shack by Wm. Paul Young a few weeks ago and as I was going reading it I couldn't help but notice all the different messages the book has. Many of them are little but I found them speaking to my heart and I though I would share them with you.

* God keeps and eye on each and everyone one of his children whether they know him or not.
* Don't go talk to God out of obligation but talk to him because you want to.
* God wants to heal the wounds within if we let him.
* When all you see is pain you loose sight of God.
* Humans are defined by the intentions God has set for them not their limitations.
* Even when we feel lost we are not lost.
* If we dread falling we won't learn to fly.
* The days will go easier if we can just accept what they are.
* If things were always easier then He wouldn't be.
* Love always leaves a significant mark.
* God has never left us and never will.
* What we see as a mess God sees as perfection.
* In pain we assume the worst of God.
* Most emotions are responses to perception.
* If God wants you yo know your end destination he will tell you. Until then follow him as he leads you.
* We can still slip even when walking in the presence of God.
* Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. Just letting go.
* You may have to declare forgiveness multiple times daily but it will become less & less and one day you will realize you have forgiven completely.
* Tears are sometimes the best words the heart can speak.

Such a good book and many little messages throughout that are good to remember.

Photography and a few other things.

Looks like I have a couple of shoots lined up for the end of the week.
One of them being for my internship for the church and another for a friend.
The 5k Cherish Kids run should be fun to shoot :) However being there at 8am....not quite as fun. Not really sure what to expect but from what I understand there will be lots going on which translates to lots of photography opportunities.
Then this evening I got a call from a friend who is getting married on thursday. They are having a private ceremony in her back yard with just their four children. She asked if I would do some pictures of her and her soon to be husband before the wedding (so more along the engagement style) and also some of their children. :) Should be very fun.
Looks like I got my monopod just in time. Still struggling with my injured hand and I think this will make things easier. I just have to figure out if there is a piece I can add to it in order to allow me to shoot horizontally and vertically.
So if you are reading this and having any tips, suggestions, or ideas please feel free to share.


I leave you with my small treasure from my weekend. Thrifting with my grandma was a fun change.
Though the camera is an old film camera it seems to be a pretty common one. I was excited that it still had the manual and everything. My goal is to read it and learn what I can :)



On a side note I made the decision to rededicate my life to Christ today and while the struggle that is in my life isn't instantly gone there is a different peace in my heart. I don't know how things will all work out in the end- the least I can do is make sure I am in the right place with God. And I came to a point where I realized that running away from Him was not where I was suppose to be. Life becomes even scarier when why try to do it on our own. I say this not because I want attention but because its good to hold each other accountable.



Holding Us
We often see ourselves as fragile, breakable souls,
We live in fear of that which we are certain
we can't survive.
As children of God, we are only as fragile as our
unwillingness to hide our face in Him.
Our pride alone is fragile
Once it shell is broken and the heart laid bare,
We can sense the caress of God's tender care.
Until then He holds us just the same.
-Beth Moore-