I am a daughter hiding my depression.
I am a sister making a good impression.
I am the girl sitting next to you.
I am the one asking you to care.
Im your best friend hoping you'll be there.
Treat me gently because I break easily.
Ever have those days when you want to get away from everything?
Because the simple things break your heart and you get frustrated over every little thing, even when you know you shouldn't.
When you want more than anything is love - but to the world now days the word love insinuates being in love with someone else.
Yet your heart aches for love, an unconditional love, something felt heart to heart but has nothing to do with "being in love."
So when all the emotions sit at our doorstep, do we confide in friends? Even when that means taking the risk of bringing them down too? Or do we just keep bottling it up as we search for the words to find, to express, how we are feeling. How long will that take?
Do we just keep it in till we explode?
Perhaps the words just sit there waiting to be found, but how do we find them?
What do we do in the meantime?
Seems like the word is full of questions.....and the answers take a lot longer to find.
I find myself at a place where I need to be helped and led and then maybe I wouldn't feel so alone. But in the moment that someone else needs help I don't know what to do. I am trying to keep my head above water as it is so I am not sure how to go about helping them as well.
I am so afraid of being alone yet I isolate myself as if that is the answer. Nothing in my life seems to make sense anymore. I can't wait till I have a clear mind and feel like I can actually think again. When I can eat and not loose weight. I would like to feel not so cold and numb to the world. But I think most of all I really want to be reminded that I am loved. Its easy to forget in the midst of this.
This Endless Inner Pain
No one can see
this endless inner pain,
or hear me screaming
on the inside,
wishing it would end.
And somehow
I am still me,
even though I’m not
the slightest bit like myself.
Although the nights are worse,
this endless feeling of dread
perturbs me all day, every day.
Occasionally it relents,
only to return in full force.
And whenever I think and analyse,
I fall deeper into this miry pit.
Regardless of how hard I try,
I cannot turn off my mind!
I cannot believe this is happening to me.
Help me, God!
Are You angry with me,
or do You understand,
and love me all the more?
Maybe someday I will have the chance to really share it. Maybe then you will understand.
I started reading The Shack by Wm. Paul Young a few weeks ago and as I was going reading it I couldn't help but notice all the different messages the book has. Many of them are little but I found them speaking to my heart and I though I would share them with you.
* God keeps and eye on each and everyone one of his children whether they know him or not.
* Don't go talk to God out of obligation but talk to him because you want to.
* God wants to heal the wounds within if we let him.
* When all you see is pain you loose sight of God.
* Humans are defined by the intentions God has set for them not their limitations.
* Even when we feel lost we are not lost.
* If we dread falling we won't learn to fly.
* The days will go easier if we can just accept what they are.
* If things were always easier then He wouldn't be.
* Love always leaves a significant mark.
* God has never left us and never will.
* What we see as a mess God sees as perfection.
* In pain we assume the worst of God.
* Most emotions are responses to perception.
* If God wants you yo know your end destination he will tell you. Until then follow him as he leads you.
* We can still slip even when walking in the presence of God.
* Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. Just letting go.
* You may have to declare forgiveness multiple times daily but it will become less & less and one day you will realize you have forgiven completely.
* Tears are sometimes the best words the heart can speak.
Such a good book and many little messages throughout that are good to remember.
Looks like I have a couple of shoots lined up for the end of the week.
One of them being for my internship for the church and another for a friend.
The 5k Cherish Kids run should be fun to shoot :) However being there at 8am....not quite as fun. Not really sure what to expect but from what I understand there will be lots going on which translates to lots of photography opportunities.
Then this evening I got a call from a friend who is getting married on thursday. They are having a private ceremony in her back yard with just their four children. She asked if I would do some pictures of her and her soon to be husband before the wedding (so more along the engagement style) and also some of their children. :) Should be very fun.
Looks like I got my monopod just in time. Still struggling with my injured hand and I think this will make things easier. I just have to figure out if there is a piece I can add to it in order to allow me to shoot horizontally and vertically.
So if you are reading this and having any tips, suggestions, or ideas please feel free to share.
I leave you with my small treasure from my weekend. Thrifting with my grandma was a fun change.
Though the camera is an old film camera it seems to be a pretty common one. I was excited that it still had the manual and everything. My goal is to read it and learn what I can :)
On a side note I made the decision to rededicate my life to Christ today and while the struggle that is in my life isn't instantly gone there is a different peace in my heart. I don't know how things will all work out in the end- the least I can do is make sure I am in the right place with God. And I came to a point where I realized that running away from Him was not where I was suppose to be. Life becomes even scarier when why try to do it on our own. I say this not because I want attention but because its good to hold each other accountable.
Holding Us
We often see ourselves as fragile, breakable souls,
We live in fear of that which we are certain
we can't survive.
As children of God, we are only as fragile as our
unwillingness to hide our face in Him.
Our pride alone is fragile
Once it shell is broken and the heart laid bare,
We can sense the caress of God's tender care.
Until then He holds us just the same.
-Beth Moore-
Is finished....well for the most part. Just a few minor things to finish organizing and put away.
Three walls painted creme and one wall painted purple with brown accent colors. I tried to show little parts of the room by pictures but it doesn't quite do justice to how everything looks together. Still thought I would share. 
So thankful to have my bed back :) I call it my little cave.
My trophies and medals all nice and organized. I loved how they looked displayed on the wall. They are a part of me I will never forget.
A couple of my pictures from not too long ago that I finally framed and put up...looking forward to some new ones that I can incorporate into my room soon. They are going to be fabulous.
My cute little desk (its so much better than sitting on the floor) and shelves. My grandma is taking me thrifting this weekend to see if we can find a vintage type chair. :)
And my lovely purple lamp with my computer. :)
Painting the walls really added the finishing touches to my room and I am so glad its done! School starts tomorrow (I am going to be a senior) and I can actually sleep in my own bed tonight.
A little nervous for the morning and kind of concerned about my hand. Its been hurting pretty badly and its starting to swell again so I am hoping to make it through the day with out too much trouble.
So much on my little heart tonight as I get ready for bed. Its been a little rough the last several days and I am worried for my mom and her job situation. Communication is something I myself struggle with as well as our family- so when my parents actually told me what was going on I realized just how serious things were. Believing God is bigger and stronger than any of my worries though. Holding onto Him as I face some of my fears and the enemy tonight.
Now off to try and get some sleep. An early morning ahead.
Had a doctors appointment this morning and the good news is I got my cast off and the swelling has gone down. Still a little bruised and hurting a lot so they put me in a costume splint for four more weeks. There is concern about ligament and tendon damage so they wanted to keep me immobilized still. The plus side is that its just my hand that is immobilized now and I can take the splint off to wash my hand, etc. My wrist is nice and stiff from not moving for so long but hopefully that will get better in the next few days.
I start my photography internship (as well as school) Monday so I am hoping I can figure out some way to manage my camera with out too much additional pain. I feel like it has been forever since I have taken pictures and I miss it. I can't wait to fill my head with knowledge to see how I can improve my photos :). A little nervous just because I don't know exactly what it is going to bring and it will most likely require some additional boldness on my part, but mostly excited.
So I figured I would share with you my bed for the night. My room is being repainted so I am sleeping in my sis's room tonight. 
My matress conveniently fits under my sister bed :)
and looks strikingly similar to the camp bunk beds. So...I will have to remember to be careful upon sitting up in the morning.
Hoping sleep will come quickly tonight and praying for some home situations that I was informed of today. Kind of scary to know, so I am trying to just give it all to God and trust that He will have His hand upon the situation.
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