Can't sleep.

So its 2:30 AM and I am awake. Not cool and not good. Means meds I am on are not working. I tend struggling more during the night (i guess its technically morning) and tonight is no exception. Trying to just put my trust in Him for He knows my struggles and pains. Here is a shot from my shoot at the gym yesterday evening. I am kinda in love with it. Its just a simple chalk bucket shot as one of the girls is chalking up for bars and it just gets to me in ways I can't explain.

Exodus

So my counselor and I were discussing Exodus today and how the people keep saying they would have been better off if they had remained enslaved or if they had died. We are a lot like those people. When we see God at work everything is fine...but the minute we don't see Him we get upset and ask why God has left us. I have to say I was a little surprised when she brought up Exodus today as this is what we talked about last night in the prayer service at James River. Anyways, back to the point of this...Once the Israelites made it to the Red Sea they were trapped because Pharaoh had sent an army after them. The Israelites riled against Moses saying their death was certain....Even though the Lord had brought them through so much they still doubted Him. Again we are a lot like the Israelites...the Lord has brought us through so much yet we still doubt Him when disaster or trial comes.

A perfect example of this in my life is the fact that I was born premature. I was born without a heart beat and I wasn't breathing. The doctors told my parents it was likely I wasn't going to live. When I was 2 days old I had a pulmonary hemorrhage and was put on a ventilator for a month. The doctors feared severe brain damage and didnt know how I was going to function if I did by chance make it. So if God could bring me through all that, why is it that I still doubt Him?

Even though the Israelites doubted God He still parted the Red Sea and allowed them to cross. Just as the Israelites made it through the Red Sea collapsed and drowned all the Egyptians. The Israelites were free from Egypt.

Once the Israelites cross the red sea they begin to complain and gripe again...we would have been better off dead and enslaved still. God JUST preformed a huge feat and they once again go back to worrying about how they are going to get food. So God preforms another feat and rains down food from Heaven...but He tells the Israelites to trust Him and not to store up food for He will provide for them daily. Of course they doubt Him and attempt to store up the food. When God says He will provide we are to trust Him and take Him at His word...but sometimes we fail to do this and try to take things into our own hands.

When faced in the wilderness the Israelites continued to complain....the promise land was so close yet they focused on how incapable they were to face the giants. Often our promise land is right there but rather than focus on capable we are through God we say and tell ourselves that we can't do it.

In the end its important to remember that with God all things are possible. He is able and we have to trust Him. We can't go around saying we would have been better off enslaved or dead because God has us where we are for a reason.

Any Takers?

Looking to do a photoshoot with dancers/gymnasts. I love action photography and I am always looking for great action shot opportunities. Any takers?Here are a few photos from my last session with my sis and a few action shots from before.

Impossible slowly becomes possible with Him

It has been a challenging last few weeks. I think I had it in my mind that I wasnt ever going to struggling any more after graduating from Mercy Ministries. But I was wrong and I found myself in the hospital over Christmas, of all times. The impossible says that I am always going to struggling with depression and I will always be labeled with all the things the doctors have diagnosed me with. But the God I serve is a healer. And He is ever patient with me. This morning I sat in church, next to a dear friend (that in itself was God-He knew exactly what I needed). The pastor shared a message on tithing....but it so delicately touched my heart and reminded me that if I can't trust God with something as little as money, how will I ever trust Him with the other things. Wow. Huge revelation. I am learning to lean on God. So thankful that the God I serve takes the impossible and makes it possible.

A little over a year ago....

Its been a little over a year since my last post. And my life has changed drastically. I am no longer the person I used to be. It has been a whirlwind of things the last several months....especially living in St. Louis for the last six months with Mercy Ministries. It was there that I found God and found the life I could be living rather than the life I was struggling to live.

I have been home a whole 4 days and I am already amazed at the revelations God has given me. I have been reading a book called Kisses from Katie....and after reading the introduction and the first chapter I sat there nearly crying. I know that God is calling me to the missions field. He has entrusted me with the gift of photography and He is going to use me to change lives. Such a powerful thought.

Wanted the share this poem I wrote while at Mercy. It was on the day that I made the decision to choose life and break all bondage with death. I struggled with this but once i finally came to terms with it this is what I wrote.

Today is a new day
and a decision was made
now past hurts and transgressions
will slowly begin to fade

I stopped running from God
and just surrendered to Him
the burdens I could no longer carry
and the addiction to sin

Walking in Obedience
I can finally see
the girl I thought I once was
that girl is no longer me.

So I have yet to figure out how to put into words all that has occurred in the last year but I think slowly that all of it will be put into words.
In the works is some pretty amazing stuff that only God can orchestrate....I am excited to see how it all pans out.

Photography

Recently photographed at a gymnastics exhibition. Here are some of the photos.

Notice Me.

I am just not happy again today,
I have tiny little tears in my eyes.
If you looked closely, you'd see,
That my depression is no suprise.

I have more cuts upon my wrists,
But you just don't want to believe.
The scars of years ago are there,
Still layered up, below my sleeve.

I don't know why you are scared,
Of the truth which hurts me more.
Every day I wake up wondering,
What the day is worth fighting for.

And it isn't easy without your help,
I just wish you would be there.
Maybe I'd have no thoughts today,
And the condition; I'd not be aware.

So, this is depression and welcome,
All you have to do now, is seek.
Can you see these eyes are tired,
And my lips aren't wanting to speak.

But you'll make me talk about it,
Just because I want to talk to you.
I'd like to tell you of my secrets,
But please tell me, you will talk too.